Oh Music...

Music, film and literature – three beautiful things I am addicted to that make me genuinely want to cry and smile at the same exact time. Music especially. Acoustic music, with a more folksy feel, make my heart melt but also make my blood surge – score music does this also. It’s the weirdest feeling. I say it makes me want to cry but I don’t know if that is true, it is just this powerful overwhelming feeling I associate with tears…

The feeling is both exhilarating and puts this fire in my veins that gives you that need to jump up and do something, yet it is also incapacitating. When I listen to a beautifully sang, incredible song I get this urge to just lay back and breathe. I also feel a gripping sadness. I think it is because of this conflict that comes with wanting to go out to the world and explore with the need to conform to the rules of life, go to university, find a job, live how every other civilised human lives. You know you can’t do what your heart and soul wants you to do; there are too many commitments and strings that are pulling you down, strapping you to reality.

My want to walk out of my house one morning, go to the hidden away fields tucked just out of sight near to my little Canterbury estate, that only a handful of people know about, and just walk, and never turn back. Just go – leave everything behind and live a new and exciting, conforming life. Not needing anybody and nobody needing me.

I think this is why the film The Darjeeling Limited by Wes Anderson is so beautiful to me. It just encapsulates leaving everything behind and connecting with yourself… okay, so in the film it is about three brothers connecting but films are to be interpreted by the audience and what I take from that film is the journey. I have such a longing to travel to some far off country I know nothing about and just travel – to see the beauty that this world really has to offer, to have the hot sun soak into my skin, or icy winds to bite at my flesh, to smell that earthy smell of forests and grasslands. I want to feel really alive. I want that buzz of really surviving, not just ambling through life like I am at the moment and probably always will. I just want to see the Earth how it was meant to be seen – how the animals see it – how nature sees it.

I know, impossible dreams that will never be reality. I just want to explore. I just want the courage and lack of commitment needed to just hop on a train to anywhere – even Edinburgh or jump on a ferry to Ireland – somewhere new and exciting that is more adventurous than Canterbury or Leicester.

I really do love music, I have a need for music, but it does depress me. Almost physically sometimes. Yet it also makes me emote in ways I can’t even describe. If I ever do write any fiction that is worthy of being published then it will be music that has made that possible. Even getting through university would be impossible without music. I’m not going to say music is my life, I don’t really have a true ‘so and so is my life’ statement. I guess I could say ‘Animals are my life’ as living without my passion for animals is just too unthinkable to consider as a possibility, I couldn’t imagine myself not having animals in my life – my interest, my want to be around them… my want to help them. They deserve so much more respect than they get, but that is a blog for another time. Actually, that reminds me of the blog I had planned to write today – maybe later on this week I’ll get around to that one.

Also, here is an example of one of the pieces of music that makes me feel all those things I described above: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tLUaKyQGxuo - which you know, well done to Hans Zimmer, because I guarantee that is what he was going for when he created this.

Also: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KSN-vrQ41Ak - just her voice - it is incredible. 

Vent Vent Vent...

How is it a mood can be ruined so quickly? Is it because it is an easier state to live in, a grumpy state… and happiness is just too hard to maintain. Surely it is easier to just be neutral as being arsey requires energy too. Frowning uses facial muscles, snide remarks require thought processes and generally being moody is difficult when you aren’t a moody person anyway. But then in our society is neutral not deemed arsey anyway? If you aren’t bouncing off the walls, grinning from ear to ear, then you are labelled moody. If you aren’t chattering away or engaging with those around you, you are being sulky. If you don’t make jokes or laugh at those jokes thrown out around you, then you aren’t making that effort that deems you as being in a good mood. So am I in a bad mood or just neutral? Personally, I feel there is no such thing as neutral these days unless you are a buddhist monk that has reached nirvana, and nirvana I am nowhere near – I can’t even see the gates, let alone the welcome mat. In all honesty I feel I am pissed. Or rather, aggravated. It just feels like the moment things are looking up, something happens that flips every good little thing on its head.

It just feels that sometimes no matter how hard you try, you end up putting your happiness aside to make others happy and therefore you end up in a permanent state of unhappy. You end up seeing other people as selfish and emotionally draining. It stops you wanting to be around them. And then when you stop being around someone you end up lonely, and lonely is not fun. It would be nice if occasionally I wasn’t the one making all the effort. I want someone to take care of my needs, to makesure I am okay – ask me what I want to do and make suggestions specifically tailored to what might make me happy. I think the only person who genuinely does this around me is my Mum.

Seeing it from that perspective I feel it is maybe my fault? With the people I have been closest to I have always made the most effort, always tried to make them happy, to do things they want to do, and if I ever suggested something more tailored to my needs I wouldn’t push it if I could see even the faintest flicker of unenthusiasm. I mean there is no point being around someone who is arsey because they aren’t getting what they want. But maybe, if I wasn’t so lenient, they wouldn’t expect their own way all the time? Thus – there wouldn’t be this problem. We would be on an even footing. Hmm.

Now some of the points I have just made lead me onto my next aggravation. I have had several close relationships fall apart in recent years. And here I am talking about friendships, platonic relationships, no romance involved. My best friend of a couple of years ago, and here I must add that I hate the term ‘best friend’ and I do not use it anymore – close friend is as far as it goes, was as close to me as what I assume a sister my age would be. She was constantly at my house, sleeping over, and we pretty much had no other friends but each other because we found the other people at our school hilarious in their attempts to be popular. We had people we could sit and chat too but no real friends, we didn’t make the effort because we didn’t really need to. Now basically, our friendship was ruined when she dated the guy I had introduced her to with the purpose of showing her the guy that I fancied, and had fancied for some time. Sounds childish now, but it is something teenage girls do. You fancy someone, you want to show him off and then you tell the person you showed him to that they are never allowed to tell anyone. Now, I don’t think you can understand how much it hurts for a friend to date the guy you like until it has happened but christ, does it hurt!? Instantly all your insecurities are ripped from the little box you keep hidden and close to your heart and they are dragged out before you and thrust into your face. You compare yourself to your ‘best friend’ (and in this case my friend was definitely prettier and better than me, there is no denying, she was skinny, had long curly blonde hair, blue eyes and bigger boobs. She was also flirtatious, fickle and quite weak and easy in the sense that she would change her opinions to match that of the new people in her life… she was relatively mouldable), and you see yourself as this worthless piece of shit that doesn’t deserve the attention of the opposite sex, not when you are surrounded by so many prettier, funnier, sexier and all in all greater girls. 

It takes a while to get over this self deprecitation, and its possible you never get over it, you just embrace it. You deal with the fact when you look in the mirror you see the fat, frumpy girl with dodgy teeth and a crooked nose that no guy will ever fancy. You throw yourself into you work, find new friends and stop fancying guys. Well as best as you can anyways. I think it is more, you stop thinking there is a chance a guy will fancy you back – I genuinely believed the guy my friend started to date was into me – I have no idea why, it was kind of the first time I had ever though “I stand a chance here”. But no, after weeks of flirting with me and making me feel wanted, I introduced him to my friend and his eyes wandered and he would never see me in that way again. How could he? She really was pretty.

And I repeat this patten, over and over. I am drawn to the pretty and in some cases beautiful girls. Girls that could easily get the guys that I want, girls that often take the attention of the guy that I want and girls that continue to push my self esteem to an all time low. Take my friends at the moment – the majority are skinnier than me, blonde (and the brunette I knew was one of the most stunning girls I had ever met, luckily we don’t hang out with each other anymore –nobody could stand a chance at attracting the opposite sex when she was around) and pretty much all girls have bigger boobs than me, but that isn’t exactly uncommon what with my empty air sacks I claim to be breasts.

Even though recent events in my life have given me a high self esteem and general confidence in certain aspects, it has not changed when it comes to men and I feel it won’t until a guy makes me feel special. I just need that one guy, that one person who I am also attracted to (it doesn’t work if you feel he is an uggo, or if you are related) to take the time to make me feel worth pursuing. From that point on the painful ice that pressing down on my weakened little heart will shatter and I will be free to like even the hottest guys once again (well hot in my opinion, luckliy my close friend at the moment doesn’t have the same taste in men as me… doesn’t stop them preferring her though *sighs, feels sorry for oneself, rolls eyes at self depreciation and tells oneself to shut up*). Oh and the link to the selfishness I was going on about above – if my friend hadn’t been a selfish bitch, none of this would have happened and we would have stuck to the plan of going to the same uni together, living together and you know writing a novel together (one of our most ambitious schemes). I have to say, it wasn’t just that she had dated this mystery man – I actually forgave her for that. It was her flirting with the guy she knew I saw as possibly my dream guy when written down on paper, dating my brother (just weird… too weird) and then ditching me for the popular kids because she wanted to know what it was like to be popular. She admits that she was the one in the wrong, that she walked all over me and that she knew she was hurting my feelings but thought she could get away with it because she knew I would forgive her. Well, ha, I didn’t and now she is surrounded by people she doesn’t dare be herself with. Oh well, that’s kharma I guess (something she supposedly believed in).

Thanks for reading.

Post Modern Writing Style....

Bit of a long one today, again a creative piece rather than a blog as such. I have just been writing so much recently, and they aren't stories, just little snippets... little inspirations that I don't have the patience... know how... skills to take to the end. Or maybe I am just lazy? Anyway, thought I would try out a writing style I have always enjoyed - Post Modern. Writing in a weird way just for the hell of it. Read on and see what you think... maybe a blog will follow sometime soon...

Tell me about yourself?

I’m sure you already know everything.

I know about the things written down on this little bit of paper, yes, but I do not know everything. In reality I know nothing. Now please, stop being so cold and tell me about yourself.

Ooh, was that an order that time? I’m not sure I want to play this game.

This isn’t a game. Just –

Yes, yes, tell me about yourself – I get it…

Then stop being so difficult and help me to understand what is going on in your mind.

And why would you want to know that? Why would anybody want to know anything about what is going on up here? After all, I am just a normal teenaged girl who you have just pulled off of some street as she was walking home. I haven’t done anything that warrants so much attention. In all honesty, I would much rather be left alone.

*Sighs*

Am I boring you Doctor? Do you not like it when your patients question your motives? You don’t like it when the humans you delve into the minds of fight you off? I didn’t ask to come here, so why would I want to help make your job any easier?

You are not boring me, Miss Sadava. You are aggravating me. Now tell me even the dullest bit of information about yourself or you will be going back into that hole in a wall we like to call your cell.

*Silence*

Take her-

Actually, I think I have a better solution to her muteness. Why don’t we try Plan B, Doctor?

I don’t think that is necessary. Just give her time and she will come around.

What is Plan B? Are you trying to scare me with this good cop, bad cop routine? It won’t work.

This is no routine, my dear; this is the next step with dealing with difficult and/or problem patients. If you do not cooperate we will turn to Plan B.

What is he talking about?

I am talking ab-

If you dare say Plan B I will rip your face off, and for your information I wasn’t talking to you. Doctor – what is he going on about, hey, where is he going – don’t you fucking go anywhere you slimy bastard!

Hey, calm down. Mr Burke, please will you stop. This will not get her to speak; it is only distressing her further.

It is her distress I want, Doctor, as that will provide the results we need.

You don’t know what you are letting yourself in for. Tell me what Plan B is or I will rip out your heart with my bare hands.

*The girl is breathing very heavily, almost grunting, and the sound of a chair being scraped back and quick footsteps dashing around a desk and then across the small room echoes against the cold brick walls. There is a dark chuckle from close to the doorway*

Okay, I will tell you what Plan B is. Plan B is the concept of bringing in the item you hold dearest to your heart and watching me slowly destroy it in front of you. You will be restrained in a chair, unable to stop me, unless you start to use your words. You have nothing to be afraid of by merely telling us about yourself, if you are just a normal school girl pulled off the streets without reason? I do not understand why you are resisting, and why you are forcing me to go to these extremes, but I will do. Oh, and when I say item – I clearly mean person. Now Doctor, why don’t you ask her the question again, while I go and pop out to get her prized item?

Don’t do this, Jonathon, please. We want her on our side; even threatening what you are threatening is likely to turn her against us! *The sound of a hand striking a face is heard*

Do not talk to me in that manner, I am your superior, and you are very close to giving away details that she cannot hear. She is an object to be used by us, and she will comply!

But this is merely a test to check her mental wellbeing, a generic psychiatric check up – not an interrogation, why are you taking this stage so far?

Because discipline cannot miss a stage. She needs to know that her attitude is not appreciated. She needs to understand that I will hold no bars. Even with these unimportant, trivial moments I will be as firm as I will ever be. That is the key to creating a well-behaved member of our team that will be a vital asset to our progress as a company.

Can you not see what is wrong –

If you continue to question my methods I will put your loyalty to the test, and with your loyalty comes the idea of your obedience, and thus discipline. You may think this is cruel to watch, but it will be even harder to bear. Now ask her the goddamn question!

*There is a short pause* Okay. *Sighs* Okay. Just give me a moment *footsteps return to their original position, a chair is quietly picked up and placed closer to the desk, the man sits down*. You have heard what Mr Burke has to say. Please, will you tell me about yourself?

I don’t understand what I am doing here. I am an eighteen year old student finishing my A levels, I go to the sixth form that is local to my home, I am taking Biology, Chemistry and English Literature… I plan to study Animal Behaviour at university. I am just a normal person. *All of this is spoken slowly and seems to be painfully drawn out. Spoken through gritted teeth*. Is that what you wanted to know?

Very good. Thank you for complying.

Yes, yes. Well done. Pity you felt the need to lie to us, Miss Sadava. Do you really think we don’t know a little more about you than you’re letting on? Why do you think we have taken you off of the streets? Why would we target you?

Burke –

*Hissed* Be very careful what words you use next, Doctor.

What is this place? Who are you people?

We are a secret department of the government dedicated to the protection of this nation’s great people. If there are any threats to human safety, we will intervene. Does that give you a hint?

Why did you say human safety?

I think you know why I said human safety, don’t you Miss Sadava.

Burke, is this really the right time. The orders were to work out Miss Sadava’s mental soundness and then decide on the next step. We do not know if she is ready to even be considered.

Considered for what? Will somebody please explain to me what is going on.

Eluzia, please just sit back down and remain calm.

Remain calm? It sounds like you are planning to use me in some sort of experiment! I just want to go home. Please, just let me go home.

Oh, so the tough girl act doesn’t last very long. That is disappointing.

Burke – why are you antagonising her?

I just want to go home, Doctor, what is going to happen?

One of two things will happen. You will either help us to detain and realign those that are like yourself, or rather those that are not like myself and the Doctor, or you will be eliminated. Either way, as you are a threat to humanity, you cannot be released. You should have been more careful, Miss Sadava, you let yourself get carried away. Too many people have suspicions about you. If you had been the good, normal girl you say you are then you would never have been discovered by our team. In the end, it is your choice to make. Help us, or be eliminated.

I – I don’t know what you are talking about. I haven’t done anything wrong, I am innocent, how can you commit someone into this prison – threaten to kill them – without due cause? This goes against the laws of our Kingdom. What about my basic human rights?

*Burke laughs, the door is opened* I’m not sure whether this is an act of denial, attempt at lying your way out of this situation or simple idiocy *further chuckling*. Human rights. Oh, my dear, you need to get your head around the situation you are in pretty quickly or else the decision will be made for you. We do not cater to time wasters. And wasting time seems to be a speciality of yours as we have gotten no where with this session and we are already needing to move on. Jenson, will you please take Miss Sadava back to her room – we are done for the day.

Done? She has only answered one question?

Yes, well, I feel we have definitely learned a few things about Miss Sadava without her needing to answer our questions. She is definitely sound in her mind – if not annoyingly resistant to admitting the truth. She just needs some discipline and she will be ready to help. She has clearly been given too much leeway on the outside.

Are you sure? I know I can get more out of her if you just give me some time-

Did you not hear me, Doctor? The company has no time for Time-Wasters… we need results instantly. We know she is sound. That is what we came into this room hoping to discover, why bother with the trivial questions you have written down when we can move on to her training?

Is nobody going to explain-

Be quiet, girl. We are not addressing you. Jenson, take her away now.

Hey, get your hands off of me. I am not ready to- hey! I want answers *Eluzia is silenced by the back of a large, male hand hitting her across the face. There is a sharp crack as her head hits the concrete ground and then the muffled, shuffling sound of her body being pulled out of the room. The door closes and the sound disappears*.

Was all that really necessary? She is just a girl. If we treated her with kindness she would willingly help us, if she knew our aims – our mission. Loyalty comes with respect.

No, loyalty comes with fear. I have been doing this for many more years than you, Doctor, and I know what gets results. Now please, stop questioning my methods or I will be making a formal complaint to the High Office.

*A tense silence follows this threat* Fine. Bring in the next patient… please.

Thank you. *The door is opened* Jenson, good, you are back. We are ready for the next patient.

Story Time...

Not so much a blog this time, just a scene for either a short story or a film or something, that popped into my head the other day... it looked pretty good in my head as I pictured it but not sure it converted to the written word very well... but you can be the judge of that =]

The Vixen:

Her right hand is wrapped about his throat, her thumb pressing lightly against his Adam’s apple and her fingers firmly pulling his face down to hers. Her left hand is pressed against his toned chest. He leans in to kiss her and she bites his bottom lip, hard.

CUT

His hand are entwined in her long red hair as he pulls her head back and his other hand fumbles at the buttons of her button down dress. His lips are on her throat. Her blue eyes are closed and her full pink lips are parted as she moans quietly.

CUT

She is pushing him into the dirt, straddling his chest, and kissing him hard on the mouth. His hands are wrapped around her thighs as he leans further into the kiss.

CUT

They are running through a forest, dashing in and about the trees and both wearing no clothes. The moonlight and stars lighting their path was highlighting their beautiful body’s with an eery glow. She looks over her shoulder and squeals in delight as his fingertips slide over her waist as he attempts to grab her and pull her backwards into his embrace. She dances away, swirling about in the air as she skips ahead, her arms held out and her hands twirling. Her hair billows around her and her eyes are wide and alight with the exhilaration of his chase.

CUT

He stumbles to a halt, “Wha-?” he mutters, but his throat sticks as the chills run down his spine. He takes a small step back, holding his hands out before him, and shakes his head, “This isn’t real,” he says quietly.

“Oh, but it is,” she said. The tall, slender woman was no longer a woman. Or at least she was not a human woman. Fur the colour of burnt orange, had erupted from her flesh and covered her entire body. Her teeth had grown sharp, her mouth and jaw elongated into a canine’s muzzle and her ears had lengthened and transformed into large pointed triangles. Her blue eyes had darkened to black orbs and claws had replaced her nails. Nine, long bushy white tipped tails had grown from the small of her back and were gently flicking and swaying behind her.

“What are you?” he asked, frozen to the spot with fear as the human-fox grinned, revealing a mouth full of deadly looking white fangs.

“Some call me Kitsune, others Kumiho – I simply prefer… the vixen,” she snarled, a deadly guttural noise that made the man jump and shrink backwards, holding his hands in front of his face.

“Please…” he whimpered, but that just made her laugh.

“I just love it when they squirm,” she chortled as the man fell to his knees with a sob, wrapped his arms around his head. The Vixen strode over to him and ran a sharp black claw over his bare flesh and then kicked him hard onto his back and leapt onto his chest. Straddling him once again she pressed her front paws to his wrists into the ground so he couldn’t resist. As the tears fell from his eyes and his body quivered, she looked into his eyes and smiled once again, “I have been looking forward to this for a long time,” she breathed in his ear.

And then in a flash of orange and white, her teeth ripped out his throat and thick, warm blood filled her mouth. Her laughter filled the night air as she devoured the flesh and soul of the man that loved her.

*

So... 

It is so annoying because the scene plays out so well in my head but translating it into words is so difficult. I wanted to take this scene further, more detailed... maybe slightly longer... but this brief, badly written short snippet took me two nights to complete! So doing it well would take weeks, and it wouldn't be worth it really. 

I'm planning a happy blog soon, so keep your eyes open =]