Two Halves, they don't always make one whole...

Cut me down the middle,

And what do you find?

Do you see my soul,

Or do you see my mind?

Is there one or the other, 

Or are the two combined?

But what if you find me divided?

Two sides raging war,

One pushing for adventure, 

Eternally seeking more,

The other fights for simple,

Seeing the first as a chore.

Conform to society, one part screams,

Fight for individuality, I hear the other bark,

But which half speaks the truth of my dreams,

And which should I force back into the dark,

Can both sides be appeased?

Or must I choose one,

to draw the final curtain upon?

What is it that makes you, you?

What is it that makes me, me?

Are we all divided, as separate

as the land and sea.

Or is this war unique,

And known only by me?

Cut me down the middle, and what do you find?

Do you see my soul, or do you see my mind?

Questions...

What is it that determines the path a life will take? Are there reasons behind each of our choices, a link that can be made similar to a dot to dot drawing connecting all, both pivotal and not so important, motions that a body will fall through, or is it all completely random? Is it down to fate, or genetics? Does it even matter? Is it true that our choices are what make us who we are – or do we have a soul, and is our soul fixed to our body or are our body’s ephemeral objects that eternal beings such as souls flit in and out of when the time is right? Are the mind and soul two separate things?

Obviously these are some of those unanswerable questions, which makes them that more unavoidable, that you just can’t shake from the back of your mind. They creep upon you when you are too tired to keep them out, or if you are feeling particular sad or down (they never seem to appear when you are feeling a sudden burst of happiness or excitement), and if you are like me, these thoughts always plague you when you look up at the night sky and realise just how tiny our Earth really is.

Such a silly notion, it feels, to think there is a cosmic power that created each individual person and deals in the fates of lives. And what a mundane task that must be. If you have the power to create the universe, or even just one planet, and to masterfully put together beautiful landscapes and create mystifying beasts… why would you spend the rest of your time writing out plans for billions of lives. Maybe it is the mundane nature of it all that stops everybody being happy and keeps some people in a permanent black hole. Or maybe you realised that for one person to be happy, another has to be sad. For somebody to be alive, another has to be dead. To feel guilt there must be the inspiration of that emotion. To feel love, there must be hatred. But how do you make that choice between who shall love and who shall be hated?

I guess we could be looking too far into it all. Maybe there was an ultimate creator who built the planet we all live upon and share. Maybe he created the orb that once was merely nothing but rock and pushed it on its path to greatness. Maybe there wasn’t a plan for life, and life just happened? Or maybe those first few single celled organisms were created and evolution just happened? Or maybe it is a great game, where you put certain plans into motion and then wait and see what evolves?

Who knows, there maybe thousands of planets like ours all created by the same cosmic power – or maybe we are the only one? Who knows? Well I guess God knows, or the Creator knows, if that is what happened but for the sake of argument, who knows? And does it all matter? Why do I let my mind wander over these thoughts and allow the darkness to seep in when I am already feeling blue? It isn’t exactly nice to come to the ultimate conclusion that the universe is just too grand for our planet to unique and special, and too many terrible things happen for there to be an Almighty creator looking down upon us and giving each and every one of us a path to follow that will lead to our eternal glory. I can’t help but be pessimistic, or realistic, as all pessimists like to say, when it comes to my thoughts on the origin of life.

So why do I let the thoughts creep in? Well what else is there to do but think when you are a tree. My 110^th birthday is coming up and I can’t help but let my mind wander…

The next blog will be happy I promise!

My father is a pessimist and my mother is a worrying optimist. Sometimes I feel I have inherited a little bit of both from my parents – the pessimistic tendencies of my Dad bundled up in the tangle of worry from my Mum. On my dark days that is definitely how it is. Dark days, I wonder if everybody has dark days. Not just days when you feel a little bit down but truly dark. Deep, depressing thoughts that batter your soul then sit on her crumpled form with a malicious grin spreading across their face. I’ve been having quite a few of these days recently.

I can’t help but often feel I am wasting my potential for life. As a child you are born and you are literally a bundle of consciousness that could become anything. And then normality happens. There are great people in this world and then there are Pawns. Most of us fall into that latter half category and I see myself plodding along amongst the other normal folk and I feel a deep regret rip through me. I don’t want to be nothingness; I don’t want to be special either… I just want to be something more.

But as a pretty much talentless person that isn’t super tall or skinny or beautiful, I can’t really see this happening. I can’t act, sing or dance. I’m not incredibly intelligent or creative. My greatest talent I guess is my ability to understand dog behaviour, animal care in general, and maybe blag myself out of an awkward situation. I love to write, and I think I sometimes have snippets of good writing however they are merely that, snippets – not novel, screenplay or even short story worthy. 

It’s good to have a dream though, I guess. 

Unrequited Attraction – what a bitch you are.

Chemistry. We have all felt it; that moment when the tension builds between yourself and another person. The first time I felt it was when I was sitting alone in a room with an ex, I never felt the chemistry with him whilst together and I tend not to even really class him as a real boyfriend as I chucked him after two weeks but there you go, so we were sitting in a room alone, a small quiet room, chatting in private about our feelings when I noticed this intense tension grip the scene.

It became quieter, stiller yet our mouths were still forming words. His eyes were locked with mine and I felt that draw, that feeling of being sucked in towards him, like I couldn’t pull away even if I wanted to… but as he was leaning in the tension broke. I looked away, shyly, blushed and then stood up and muttered something incomprehensible. It was that cliché moment you see in the movies or read in books all the time, and it was real and happened to me. Now at the time I hadn’t really thought more into that moment other than ‘He nearly kissed me’ and ‘I should have let him’ slash ‘what would have happened if I had let him?’

Now, that happened a long time ago, and since then I haven’t really felt that kind of tension again. Not until a few weeks ago. What is interesting about that passage of time is that both of us were involved in that tension. It wasn’t in anyway one sided; however I think my recent experience may have been just that. Unrequited. Unique to me. But is that even possible? How can you feel chemistry with somebody who doesn’t feel it back? How can tension build between yourself and nothingness?

Now everyone who is close to me at the moment knows I only have eyes for one person and that no matter how hard I try (and I admit, I don’t try that hard) I haven’t been able to wean myself off of him. It’s one of my most long lasting attractions and part of me fears it may genuinely be a small slice of (dare I say it) love tearing at my naïve little heart… but can you feel love without being in a romantic relationship with a person? Normally I would say no – I have very high expectations on love, and I don’t believe everybody finds it and I believe I haven’t, yet I know what I feel isn’t the same as I have felt for anybody else in the past. I have to admit, it is rather pathetic and I kind of hate myself for it.

Anyway, back to the story. So I was sitting there, next to this unrequited love interest (and yes, I am pretty darn sure this one is unrequited) and this incredible tension suddenly gripped me. It was so similar to that scene in the music room so many years ago, but also strikingly different. This time I was merely sitting next to the guy, and we had sat together before on several occasions, but in that moment I was abruptly very aware of his presence. We were ever so slightly touching, so lightly that it was probably unnoticeable to all others involved, but that small contact was making my insides go crazy. I felt jittery. I felt too aware of everything around me. I couldn’t breathe properly and my heart was pounding. I also felt… tingly… it was the oddest moment. Yet I carried on as normal, chatting away and not even daring to glance to my side – I was scared that I might reveal my hidden feelings if I acknowledged the tension. Which just added more stress to the situation… I think tiny beads of sweat may literally have been forming on my brow at that point.

The time passed soon enough, and the moment was done and dusted. My mind however, the magnificently annoying perplexing being that it is, has not been able to drop it and let it rest. I just keep thinking: did he feel it too? If I could carry on as normal, then surely he could too? How could something that forceful be only one sided? Neither of us shifted aside like you do when sitting next to someone who is uncomfortably close, neither even shuffled slightly to make ourselves ‘more comfortable’ in the way you do to create a tiny bit more space when in close quarters… we both remained in the same spot, apparently relaxed, but in my case incredibly tense.

I don’t know. I know my feelings are unrequited, if I could go into detail here why then you would agree, alas I cannot. But can chemistry or instinctual attraction/lust exist between two people no matter who or what they are? And is it possible to feel a tension individually? Maybe. Probably. I’m not even sure it matters.