Unrequited Attraction – what a bitch you are.

Chemistry. We have all felt it; that moment when the tension builds between yourself and another person. The first time I felt it was when I was sitting alone in a room with an ex, I never felt the chemistry with him whilst together and I tend not to even really class him as a real boyfriend as I chucked him after two weeks but there you go, so we were sitting in a room alone, a small quiet room, chatting in private about our feelings when I noticed this intense tension grip the scene.

It became quieter, stiller yet our mouths were still forming words. His eyes were locked with mine and I felt that draw, that feeling of being sucked in towards him, like I couldn’t pull away even if I wanted to… but as he was leaning in the tension broke. I looked away, shyly, blushed and then stood up and muttered something incomprehensible. It was that cliché moment you see in the movies or read in books all the time, and it was real and happened to me. Now at the time I hadn’t really thought more into that moment other than ‘He nearly kissed me’ and ‘I should have let him’ slash ‘what would have happened if I had let him?’

Now, that happened a long time ago, and since then I haven’t really felt that kind of tension again. Not until a few weeks ago. What is interesting about that passage of time is that both of us were involved in that tension. It wasn’t in anyway one sided; however I think my recent experience may have been just that. Unrequited. Unique to me. But is that even possible? How can you feel chemistry with somebody who doesn’t feel it back? How can tension build between yourself and nothingness?

Now everyone who is close to me at the moment knows I only have eyes for one person and that no matter how hard I try (and I admit, I don’t try that hard) I haven’t been able to wean myself off of him. It’s one of my most long lasting attractions and part of me fears it may genuinely be a small slice of (dare I say it) love tearing at my naïve little heart… but can you feel love without being in a romantic relationship with a person? Normally I would say no – I have very high expectations on love, and I don’t believe everybody finds it and I believe I haven’t, yet I know what I feel isn’t the same as I have felt for anybody else in the past. I have to admit, it is rather pathetic and I kind of hate myself for it.

Anyway, back to the story. So I was sitting there, next to this unrequited love interest (and yes, I am pretty darn sure this one is unrequited) and this incredible tension suddenly gripped me. It was so similar to that scene in the music room so many years ago, but also strikingly different. This time I was merely sitting next to the guy, and we had sat together before on several occasions, but in that moment I was abruptly very aware of his presence. We were ever so slightly touching, so lightly that it was probably unnoticeable to all others involved, but that small contact was making my insides go crazy. I felt jittery. I felt too aware of everything around me. I couldn’t breathe properly and my heart was pounding. I also felt… tingly… it was the oddest moment. Yet I carried on as normal, chatting away and not even daring to glance to my side – I was scared that I might reveal my hidden feelings if I acknowledged the tension. Which just added more stress to the situation… I think tiny beads of sweat may literally have been forming on my brow at that point.

The time passed soon enough, and the moment was done and dusted. My mind however, the magnificently annoying perplexing being that it is, has not been able to drop it and let it rest. I just keep thinking: did he feel it too? If I could carry on as normal, then surely he could too? How could something that forceful be only one sided? Neither of us shifted aside like you do when sitting next to someone who is uncomfortably close, neither even shuffled slightly to make ourselves ‘more comfortable’ in the way you do to create a tiny bit more space when in close quarters… we both remained in the same spot, apparently relaxed, but in my case incredibly tense.

I don’t know. I know my feelings are unrequited, if I could go into detail here why then you would agree, alas I cannot. But can chemistry or instinctual attraction/lust exist between two people no matter who or what they are? And is it possible to feel a tension individually? Maybe. Probably. I’m not even sure it matters.