Weight – or is it mass? I never quite remember which is the
opposite force to gravity and which is actually the measurement of me, myself
and my flab. Yes, this blog post is about my weight and how I’m actually okay
with it. I’ve only realised this recently, maybe ever since I got some clothes
that I really like and are quite ‘fashionable’ but its also been a long time
coming.
I like food. I like chocolate – and cake, and cookies, and
biscuits, and all other addictive sweet foods. I also like fancy crisps, pizza,
chinese food, indian food and all of the other delectable savoury foods that
clog up your arteries. But I love fresh fruit, veg and healthy food as well. I
enjoy a well-rounded diet. Ridiculously I usually eat 1000-1500kcals a day
(which to all in the know, understand that that is a low amount of kcals).
Yes I actually do have a glandular problem. I have the
dreaded Underactive Thyroid. Was diagnosed when I was thirteen – I had stopped
growing upwards oh and had a fat ass lump on my throat (Goitre), which I still
have now… I am on an average/slightly above average dose of levothyroxine which
I always forget to take… and guess what – I AM NOT OBESE. Any obese person who
blames an underactive thyroid – tell them to piss off and stop eating so much
shit and laying in bed all day. I don’t take my tablets and I’m not obese and I
rarely exercise more than the occasional jog and horse ride (which is actually
knackering if you focus on trotting for about an hour!)
I’m 5ft 5(ish) and an average size 14 – sometimes a 12,
sometimes I push a 16 – depends on the shop and the clothes themselves, I have
learnt to not care about sizing as some places sell clothes that couldn’t fit a
toddler and label them size 18! I have the coveted hourglass figure (not that I
enjoy this, I find dressing to look slim is really hard when your figure demands
you have chunky thighs, hips and upper half – yes I do have a nice curve to my
waist but in all honesty I just feel it makes me look bigger).
Oh how much I have longed for the skinny, ‘heroin chic’
figure and even though this blog is about my acceptance of my body I know I
will have one of those bad days where you just curse every inch of your flesh
and I will long, again, to be super skinny.
However for now I am okay with what I have. Yes so I am
bigger than some girls but I’m not that unfit, I am fit enough to do what I
want with my life (I can stay on a bucking, mental horse with ease physically –
mentally I’m bricking it, but physically I don’t shift) and I never find girls
who are super toned that desirable anyway – girls are meant to be soft, that is my one
slightly sexist view on the world. When in underwear I appreciate my figure the
most – the curves, waist and distribution is much nicer out of clothes than in
them.
This isn’t to say all my insecurities are gone. Far from it.
Physically my body is flawed with stretch marks due to my thyroid (when I got
put on medication I had some pretty drastic growth spurts) which will never go
away. I have a really red complexion which I hate, I also have terrible teeth
positioning and my lips are tiny and give the constant look of puffy cheeks.
All in all, some days I really hate how I look. Other days – when I am able to
get my eyeliner just right – I think I look OK.
The only thing I want in life with regards to how I look, is
to feel that someone thinks I am beautiful – even if I am not. I am a hopeless
romantic. I want that stunning guy to sweep me off my feet, that all consuming,
passionate love – the epic romance – where all love songs feel like they were
written about us. I’ve known people who have had this, it isn’t impossible… at
least I hope not. Life without love seems pretty pointless to be honest, but
lets not get too morbid again.
The problem is that fashion dictates women should be should
be super skinny or they are not attractive. So even if I am okay with how I look,
I doubt any guys will deem it worthy of their attention when they have the
easy, skinny, blonde, insecure, large breasted, floozies to clamber into bed
with. Or maybe many guys do, but those guys aren’t the guys I find attractive.
It is a very complicated notion, finding someone to be with when you aren’t the
beautiful girl with bags of confidence. Sigh.
But let us end on a happy note… I’m good with my body
even if no one else is. Well, that’s happy enough for me =]
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