We all make those jokes, about being alone forever – that’s
where that meme came from ‘forever alone’… those people making those jokes
about being spinsters for life. Collecting cats to die alone with. Cobwebs
crowding the bat cave. We’ve all done it when single. But what if it is true…
that some people are destined to be alone forever? I mean, it isn’t unheard of
– else Spinsters wouldn’t exist. What is it that makes someone become a
Spinster? Looks, personality, charisma? Or is it something bigger than that.
Are some people just unlucky? Is fate not on their side? Does the Almighty want
them to be alone? Is there something wrong with them inside that members of the
opposite sex can sense subconsciously?
I’ve read all those websites, articles, magazines, advice
columns – everything that is out there that states ‘how to attract a member of
the opposite sex’ or ‘how to get a man’ or ‘how to stop being single and alone’
etc. and I have done all the things they suggest. To an extent. I won’t change
who I am as a person – my beliefs and what not, because then the man I get
wouldn’t be the right man… surely!? I can do no more than what I do now. It
isn’t my fault that I am single. It must be genetics or fate because no man
ever finds me attractive.
Now some might think this is because I am unconfident and
negative but these are my inner thoughts that I will only discuss with friends.
I don’t have a sticker on my forehead stating ‘THINKS SHE’S AN UGLY, FATSO WHO
WILL BE FOREVER ALONE – DON’T BOTHER WITH THIS ONE LADS”. It was only a month
ago whilst searching for a duck missing a beak with my colleague from the
wildlife hospital that I was told that I ‘am obviously a confident person’. She
was actually shocked when I said, oh no – I’m really not. I’m terrified of new
situations, uncomfortable around strange men, can’t find my voice to ring
people – but all this stuff is deep down. It puts me off certain situations but
I people can’t see these insecurities. At least, not to my knowledge – and not
from what other people have told me.
I’m a strong, independent woman with big dreams and a
determination to succeed. I’m motivated, hard working and push myself to my
limits. Or at least I try my very hardest. If you met me, you wouldn’t guess
that what I crave – what I need – is the comfort and security of a man.
Somebody to love who loves me back. Love. Isn’t that what life is all about?
Love equates to long-term happiness. Items can give an instant smile, friends
can warm your heart, family can make you feel safe, money can give you security
– but love gives you a life. Without it, you are merely surviving.
I don’t want to survive any more. I want to live. I want to
grab his hand and experience what this world has to offer. I want the guts and
the courage to leap into new situations, take risks and share it all with my
man. I want to turn a casual walk in the fields into a passionate adventure, I
want to roll around in the hay and I definitely want to rock his world.
But what else can I do? The only men I find attractive are
the unattainable. Is it because I want the challenge, or is it because I am a
self-sabotager who deep down wants to be unhappy and alone? Or maybe it is
because all men are unavailable, considering none of them show me any interest…
it’s either the work of a God/The Fates – or biologically there is something
wrong. Or maybe it is karma. Maybe in a past life I did something terrible.
Something that deserves this present self to feel the crushing despair that is
loneliness.
You cannot know what loneliness is like unless you have felt
it and once you have felt it you will never want to feel it again. I normally
like to leave these things on a high note, or at least I try – but there is no
high note for me to find right now. So I’m going to say my farewells and
continue to listen to Coldplay.
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